Modern Sexual Healers and Backstory II - Tantric Shitshow #4

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Hey y’all,

This is part 2 of “Modern Sexual Healers and Backstory.” If you’d like to read the first half of this, click HERE.

Back to that gray area of sex work and therapeutic healing, the combo sure makes a tangled snafu, doesn’t it?

Even if this work is illegal, this field is burgeoning. There are now many names this work goes by – sexological bodyworker is the latest I’ve heard of – and that has a more professional ring to it.

It’s gone international. There were several sexbod workers (what they call themselves) from various parts of the world who came to the Masters. They came not only for their personal sexuality, but also to expand their skillset.

People who have more prestigious, high-respect careers are adding sexual healing to their repertoire. Regardless of the respect I lost for her, Sierra is educated as a naturopath and acupuncturist, but she claims to do this work – along with “healing people’s souls.” (Yes, she actually said that.)

Another woman from Charles Muir’s team had also studied Taoist sexuality with Mantak Chia, and has claimed to reach expertise in both is a medical doctor. She too does this work.

To all this, I say: “Bravo!”

Sex is important. Great sex is good for the body, the heart, and the soul. The stronger the orgasm, the more thorough the release. It’s absurd to think there’s still so much shame around sexuality, that people are still so reluctant to talk about it.

There is a desperate need for sexual healing. And traditional talk therapy hasn’t cut it. At all.

The culture of shame and repression is harmful enough before abuse even gets a mention.

Sexual abuse, molestation, rape, incest, exploitation, and all other forms of abuse have been a scourge on humanity, on women and children for a really long time. This has been happening over generations and for centuries, probably from the beginning of the human race, and it’s really fucked people up.

It’s fucked with discernment in the areas of trust, self-worth, opening up, healthy attachment, intimacy, loving relationships, equal friendships, communication, sexual response – I could go on and on about this – and that’s without addressing the addiction, isolation, and self-destructive tendencies that are often by-products of sexual trauma.

People need each other. We need community, connection, intimacy, RELATIONSHIP. If life really is all about those people we connect with and love and relate to, it’s appalling and unfair that so many people have suffered through some kind of abuse that has screwed up those internal systems which bring us to healthy love, friendship, connection, intimacy, and sexuality.

How do I know all this?

Because I’ve lived through my fair share.

I prefer not to go into detail, but my experiences with double standards, chauvinism, sexism, misogyny, sex-negativity, hate-filled religious thinking, sexual abuse, rape and the fear of rape, not to mention the daily assaults  - both great and small - on feminine pride and dignity that all women and girls endure; all this definitely messed with my ability to have loving, healthy relationships and great sex.

My experiences aren’t particularly unusual. So many people have been through similar and much, much worse.

Yet I have spent the lion’s share of my adulthood trying to heal. Tantra and Neo-Tantra – among many other non-sexual modalities – have been a part of that.

I wish I could claim that all my efforts have been a complete success, but my last relationship proves that the results have been a mixed bag.

I stayed in a toxic relationship for far too long in spite of my best efforts to end it in a timely manner when I knew it would never work. I allowed myself to be manipulated because of my fears of being alone.

I’m not just embarrassed, I’m ashamed of that. By the time my ex-fiancée and I broke up, not only was I no longer in love with her, she was somebody I couldn’t stand. And I can’t say I love the parts of me that caved under pressure and stayed with her.

I really thought I was stronger and smarter than that. I thought I had “healed.”

In all, it’s a relief that people are starting to talk about it. As a society, we have only had this conversation with any degree of openness and compassion for maybe 20-30 years. That’s not a lot of time for trauma that runs deep through the generations.

The vista of sexual healing really is a wild and raw frontier that is mostly unexplored. And everybody who comes to this – “master,” teacher, enthusiastic student, “tantrika,” “dakini,” sexual surrogate, shamanic sexual healer, sexological bodyworker – we’re coming to this with our histories, our wounds, our triggers, and our shit.

There is a lot of discovery to be had, growth to embrace. And in that journey, mistakes will be made.

It would also be nice if legality could meet this exploration with justice and compassion.

Maybe then there wouldn’t be this need to hide behind the verbiage of Tantra.

For everybody who has read this far, thanks for joining this ride with me.

Peace,

Mana

Modern Sexual Healers and Backstory - Tantric Shitshow 4

Image by Saray Villar from Pixabay

Hey y’all,

Thanks so much for the letters, notes, and WhatsApp texts and calls. Those bits of contact warm my heart and bring me joy.

Anybody who has meant to reach out but hasn’t yet, anybody who hasn’t for a while, or even anybody who touched base with me a couple of days ago - to reach out after this email would be especially supportive.

About 20 years ago, I came across some New Age magazine and landed on an enthralling article written by a woman who possessed eloquence and insight as she described what she did for a living.

As I remember it, she had started her career as a traditional talk therapist, but eventually found herself going in the direction of sexuality, particularly in the area of sexual dysfunctions. I don’t recall what her self-described job title was, but it was something similar to sexual surrogate.

What she did was far more intimate than giving paper handouts on effective masturbation techniques for clients who came to her for all manner of problems - premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, low libido, sexual abuse, rape, incest, frigidity, inability to orgasm, or some combination of the above. Because sexual dysfunction is often rooted in trauma.

The writer made clear that the only clients she worked with came to her for help. Therapeutic help, even if it was sexual.

She also made it clear that what she did was considered prostitution because genital contact was involved, and there was always the risk that she could be arrested and thrown in jail.

I remember thinking as I read this article that this woman was a hero, that what she did was incredible, and how fucked up it was that she could have her reputation, career, and life ruined because of it.

Charles Muir and his ex-wife, Caroline Muir, proved (yet again) that sex sells. They started the company that would become known as Source Tantra through marketing the ecstasy of incredible sex. Bigger, better, stronger, more explosive orgasms could bring transcendence to everybody at every age.

He’s been very successful at that.

Yet even Source Tantra moved into the therapeutic arena.

I’m sure most of you have discerned the nature of the private sessions given by Charles Muir’s team reside in this space between therapy and sex work.

And herein lies one of Rashmi’s most bitter grievances about Neo-Tantra. She can’t stand it that this new breed of sexual healers often cloak themselves with the titles of “tantrikas” or “dakinis.”

“They rub one out and have the nerve to call it tantra.”

Not that Rashmi has a problem with prostitution.

“If a woman is a prostitute fighting for legalization, and the protections and rights that go with it, I will fight shoulder to shoulder alongside her. Just don’t call it tantra.”

She was not especially impressed with a change of nomenclature when I told her about the woman who introduced herself as a Shamanic Sexual Healer in the hot tub at the Cascadia Tantra Festival. She was friendly, engaging, and had finished her ISTA (International School of Temple Arts) training right before FOSTA-SESTA shut down the Craigslist personals and Back Page, which is where sexual healers found most of their clients, alongside the prostitutes.

The Shamanic Sexual Healer was passionate about her work. Until then, she had trimmed weed to make a living, and it sounds like this career has given meaning to her life and some direction.

“To be clear,” she said at the end of our conversation. “I don’t have sex with my clients. I do genital massage and that’s as far as it goes.”

“It’s no different than a happy ending at a massage parlor.” Rashmi huffed when I told her this story.

I think that’s harsh, but the law agrees with her.

Rashmi’s feelings are understandable. It goes far beyond cultural appropriation to use the verbiage of tantra to camouflage a particular kind of exchange.

I know many people would agree with Rashmi and with the law.

For the record, I don’t. I don’t think it’s that black and white. I think this hybrid of sexual healers falls within shades of gray.

How somebody perceives what they’re doing makes a difference. So do the boundaries set on what is offered. That alone shifts the intention. If the focus is on healing, that distinguishes one from the other – sex workers/escorts/prostitutes/hookers/massage parlor masseuses and masseurs are not the same as sexual healers.

Of course, prostitutes are healers in their own right. They have done an eternity of helping those who suffer sexual frustration, loneliness, isolation, sexless marriages, loveless relationships – maladies that plague millions of people.

Here’s a link to a deeply moving story from one of the first Mystery Box Shows that proves the point.

Enjoy! Part II is coming right up next.

Peace,

Mana